Job Listing Red Flags

Posted on by Alex
  1. Values-driven
    Whose values? Ours.
  2. Rockstar/Ninja/Guru
    Are we starting a band? A cult?
  3. Fast-paced environment
    Chaos. It’s all chaos.
  4. Wear many hats
    Enjoy doing the work of three for the salary of almost one!
  5. Self-starter
    No training. No help. No mercy.
  6. Competitive salary
    We don’t want to tell you how little we’ll pay. What do you make now?
  7. Looking for a dynamic individual
    WTF does this even mean? No introverts allowed?
  8. Ability to multitask
    Prepare to be overworked.
  9. Must be passionate
    Unpaid overtime required.
  10. Work hard, play hard
    Spoiler alert: you won’t have time to play.
  11. High-energy team
    Everyone’s burned out.
  12. Great culture
    We have a ping-pong table, but you won’t have time to use it.
  13. Like a family
    A dysfunctional one that lacks boundaries.
  14. Entrepreneurial mindset
    You’ll work miracles for the salary of an intern.
  15. Make an impact
    Do a ton of work and get no credit, just because you love what you do.
  16. Willing to go the extra mile
    Unpaid overtime.
  17. Must thrive under pressure
    Drowning? Swim faster.
  18. Flexible work environment
    We’re flexible about expecting you to work at all hours.
  19. Results-oriented
    Success is ours, failure’s all yours.
  20. Growth opportunity
    We’ll dangle promotions but never give you one.
  21. Must have a sense of urgency
    We don’t plan ahead.
  22. We invest in our people
    With free coffee. That’s it.
  23. Self-motivated
    No training, no guidance, just vibes.
  24. Looking for a unicorn
    We need 5 people but can only afford 1.
  25. Fast-growing company
    No structure. No stability. Good luck.
  26. Team player
    Do your work and everyone else’s.
  27. Must be detail-oriented
    But also work at breakneck speed.
  28. We empower our employees
    To figure everything out alone.
  29. No two days are the same!
    We have no structure.
  30. Exciting challenges ahead
    We’re on fire. Bring a bucket.
  31. We want fresh perspectives
    Because everything we’ve tried is failing, and we’re all outta ideas.
  32. Looking for a disruptor
    Because we just fired the last person who had ‘bold ideas’.
  33. Must be comfortable with ambiguity
    No one knows what’s going on.
  34. Mission-driven company
    Isn’t satisfaction of a job well done payment enough?
  35. Hustle mentality
    24/7 work, 1995 retail work pay.
  36. We’re a startup at heart
    No money, no structure, no HR department.
  37. All hands on deck
    Hope you like doing work outside your job description.
  38. We take pride in our work
    But if you get into the staff group chat, you’ll learn the truth.
  39. Looking for a go-getter
    Sink or swim. No life rafts here.
  40. Must be highly adaptable
    Your job will change every week with no warning.
  41. We embrace innovation
    As long as nothing around here changes.
  42. We work hard and reward performance
    The reward is more work.
  43. Customer-obsessed
    We will prioritize revenue and customer demands over your sanity.
  44. We’re looking for thought leaders
    Let middle management take credit for your ideas.
  45. Open-door policy
    Speak up, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
  46. Startup culture with corporate backing
    The worst of both worlds.
  47. Must have strong communication skills
    You’re expected to answer emails 24/7. It’s called ‘collaboration.’
  48. We’re looking for a creative problem solver
    Because we have a lot of problems.
  49. Strong work ethic required
    We’ll guilt you for having a personal life.
  50. We believe in transparency
    Except about salary, promotions, and company stability.